Heart Matters

Willa says what's on her mind.

I'm always amazed at how honestly Willa can describe her feelings. On Sunday night, after much time spent holding Cam, singing to Cam, making him smile, etc. she said "you know what Mommy? I think Cam just isn't all the way into my heart yet." Of course I asked what she meant by this, and she said "Well, I've been loving you and Daddy my whole life, so you're in the middle of my heart, but I've only been loving Cam for a little while, so he's not all the way in there, yet."

Of course! It's so simple and yet so complicated. Hopefully Cam wiggles his way into the middle soon.

The Second Time

One bit of wisdom that stuck with me from one of the numerous parenting books I read when pregnant with Willa went something like this: your new baby should join and/or fit into the life you already live, your life should not stop and revolve around your new baby. I think Jamey and I did a decent job of taking this to heart, but of course things change drastically when a new person enters your family. While I wouldn't say we redirected the sun to rise and set on the face of Willa, I would say she has become our true north.

There's nothing like a baby to shake things up. With #2, there seems to be very little choice but to fit him into the already established order of our universe. Teeth need to be brushed, bedtime stories read, lunches packed and stories created. Cam graciously fits into the spaces between.

I often wonder what he's missing. I remember the bedtime routine we had with Willa, even as a newborn. One of us would rock her with the last bottle, and the other would read long stories from a story book or Dr. Suess picture book. Does "second-hand" reading count when Cam sits in on Willa's bedtime chapter books?

There was so much thought and preparing for Willa's arrival. I read countless books on pregnancy, parenting, feeding and sleeping. I researched diapers and formula and car seats and strollers. We had seven different baby name books. I wrote an entire journal full of thoughts and letters to my unborn child. I made none of these preparations for Cam. It's like there was an open space in the puzzle and we didn't have to look twice to know he was the part that fit.

I took a picture of Willa in the same spot every day for the first 30 days of her life, just so I could see how much she changed and grew every day. I take pictures of Cam when Willa says "take a picture of me holding my brother like this."

Then I have to think about the yin to this yang. What has Cam gained by being second? First, he's gained a much calmer and more confident set of parents. We called our pediatrician, Dr. Judy, every day the first week we had Willa home. We brought the finger nail clippers to our two-week appointment with her because we were afraid to clip her nails. We've already trimmed Cam's nails several times. We know we can't "break" Cam or permanently wreck him if we let him cry a little. We know he's OK even if he spits up a little. We don't panic if he fails to poop every day.

Cam gets the benefit of Willa. He's so lucky to be the recipient of her special songs and stories and affections. She reads to him and it melts my heart. She makes plans for him and predicts their future and wishes it would be OK for her to marry him some day, but if they can't get married, at least they'll live together forever.

Cam gets our lessons learned from the first round - although I often wonder if we've learned anything that would make us change the way we do things. For now, I've decided not to worry about it.

Going Back

In one week I'll be going back to work at Coe and Cam will go to daycare. I'm ready. Not that I haven't enjoyed the time getting to know him and easing him into this world...I'm ready for a steady routine and a daily dose of adult interactions. I do not have the support structure necessary to keep going as a stay-at-home parent.

Aside from holding Cam, walking around with Cam, coaxing Cam to sleep, changing diapers, feeding, burping, washing bottles and clothes daily and basically just gazing with wonder at the new little person that is Cam, here is a list of other things I've accomplished in the last eight weeks.

1. I've watched every episode of "Arrested Development" on HULU. I started this in the first few weeks, and in my hormone-induced semi-depression, the narrator's voice became a dear comfort to me. I grew very fond of the Bluthe family, and when I finished watching the last episode of the three seasons, I was sad. The comic relief was most welcome in the midst of my uncontrollable episodes of tears.

2. Photo albums: I printed (through various online offers and Walgreens) over 400 photos taken in the past three years. I like photo albums. Willa and I like to take down an album and sit on the couch or share a chair and look at pictures and relive the moments. I haven't quite figured out how to translate that to the digital world. I hadn't put together a photo album since Willa was three, so I had close to three years worth of photos to print, organize and insert into albums. I ended up with four albums, plus one started for Cam's baby-hood. I'm caught up until about three weeks ago. There are always more!

3. Updated Facebook: I've had a Facebook account for a long time, mainly just so I could explain what it was to other people. in the past three months I've had 24 invitations from people I've known recently and as long ago as grade school, so it was time to get connected. I still have mixed feelings about it.

4. Read: I just finished "In The Name of Salome" by Julia Alverez. I've also read: "Operating Instructions" by Anne Lamott, "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell, and countless magazines and articles. I'm now reading "The Gutenberg Elegies" by Sven Birkert.

3 Weeks

Today Cam is three weeks old. Only three weeks, 21 days, and I can't imagine life without him. Already the complaints and pains of being pregnant are hazy and life with only one child is starting to fade.

I remember the first few weeks after bringing Willa into our life - I kept waiting for our life to get back to normal. It took a while before I realized there wasn't a 'getting back to' but only a 'new' normal. But now, it seems that Cam has completed something; that there was a 'normal' just waiting for him. I never realized how much our family was waiting for this son, this next child, until we got him home.

So far, so good. Cam seems to be a mild baby. Just in the past two days or so he's spent a few extra hours awake during the day. I've been enjoying his 'newbornness' so much more than I enjoyed Willa's. Maybe because I now know you can't really break or ruin this little creatures. Willa is proving to be a great big sister, despite her complaints that he's not growing fast enough for her (she really thought he'd be able to control his arms and hands by now). And of course, Jamey is the master diaper changer and super-daddy. Can't wait to see what happens next week!

What's in a Name?

While I don't think the whole concept of growing another person is easy by any means (or comfortable, for that matter), I do think what's far more difficult in this whole ordeal is coming up with a name!

Jamey and I had the same problem with Willa. It was two weeks before her scheduled birth and we did not have ONE NAME that the two of us agreed upon. We made a date, agreed to both show up with a list of names and agreed that we would not go home until we had a list we agreed upon. After dinner, we ended up at the Barnes and Noble cafe. We were there for five hours, but we did come up with a list.

This time was more difficult because we must have both boy and girl names. Jamey is convinced we are having another girl. He insists that with all of the pictures from our multiple ultrasounds we would have seen some dead give-away if this is a boy. This is not enough proof for me to ignore the boy names, although I admit, between the two of us, I like the girl names better than the boy names.

The good news is we only have two weeks left to meet our little something. The bad news is that the little something may not have a name for awhile!

Anticipation

Today Willa woke up and shouted from her room, "Is it Christmas Eve?" I think she thought something magical might happen this morning, so I went in and reminded her that Christmas Eve NIGHT is really when the magic occurs.

We've filled our day today shoveling (4 inches of so of snow that arrived overnight), delivering homemade vanilla and treats to the neighbors, baking gingerbread people for Santa (he will be the only one that will want to eat them after Willa dropped the whole dough-ball on the floor), and planning our evening. We're heading to 5:00PM church, then coming home to feast on super nachos, complete with red & green chips. We'll open the last of the count-down stockings, and then we've decided we can all pick on present to open before bed.

We're doing no traveling this Christmas. I'm so thankful my parents came here two weeks ago - we had a great Christmas together. They completely surprised Willa with their visit. I wish had I gotten it on tape. We do have many projects planned for this time at home, though: priority is to get Willa's 'new room' ready. We'll get that painted during the break, and then I can do some decorating. We've also got new kitchen tile on our to-do list. I'll be so glad when both of these tasks are done.

Anticipation grows for our own new baby, too. I had an ultrasound yesterday and we got a good look at baby's chubby little cheeks and little nose. He/She looks a lot like Willa from what we could see. We're on the countdown - baby will be born on January 28 and we can't wait. Dr. Hess says "it's going to be big!" I said "then can't we just get it out sooner?" No dice.

Thanksgiving in Vermont

We spent the Thanksgiving week this year in Vermont. While it would have been wonderful to be somewhere a bit further south, we had a great time. Jamey's cousin Donnie, his wife Naomi, and baby Thatcher are living in Barre temporarily. Willa was off school for the week, so we decided it would be a great time to hang with Donnie and Naomi, and get to know Thatcher, too.

We flew out of the Quad Cities Airport on Sunday morning and arrived in Burlington, VT mid-afternoon. We spent the first few days at the Anchorage Inn in Burlington. It was 'quaint' (in an 1960s-travel-lodge-ish sort of way) place. Willa enjoyed the pool though, and it make a good base for our explorations.

Donnie has become a great Vermont tour guide. The three of us, along with Donnie and Gaye explored a maple syrup farm, toured the state capitol building in Montpelier, and saw some incredible glass blowers. Jamey, Willa and I also got in a tour of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Factory, complete with samples.

On Wednesday we headed out into the wilderness. We rented a two-bedroom cottage on Fletcher Lake. It was much more remote than I imagined based on Google Maps. Willa and Jamey thoroughly enjoyed the hot tub on the covered porch, despite temperatures in the mid-20s. Luckily the upstairs "tower bedroom" had exceptionally high ceilings. The other parts in the upper levels required Jamey to stoop over.

We prepared a big Thanksgiving feast, complete with burned pumpkin pie and tiny rock-like dinner rolls. Donnie, Naomi, Gaye and Thatcher drove out for the day to feast and play games. After they left, Jamey and Willa hit the hot tub again for some relaxation and we made a fire in the three-seasons porch.

After a nature walk in the snow on Friday morning, we headed back toward Burlington, taking a little side trip to explore some of the coast of Lake Champlain along the way. We spent some time in the downtown Burlington shopping district (a ped mall filled with great little eclectic shops) and then played at the ECHO Lake Aquarium and Science Center.

We spent our last night at a very comfy Marriot Courtyard, which Willa declared the nicest hotel she'd ever seen in her whole life. We had to get up at 4:30AM to catch our early morning flight back home. Despite almost an hour and a half wait for the security lines, we made the flight and all was well. It was weird to be home by 10:00AM after traveling half-way across the country.

Vermont 2008 Photo Album.