Buffer Generation

My mom called yesterday on the way to visit my gramma in the nursing home. "Gramma's not doing so well" she said. My gramma is 96 years old and has lived in a nursing home in Tyndall for four or five years now, and it's been a steady decline. Most recently she has simply stopped eating.

She had a 'dip' last summer, too and I told Willa about it. I told her that Great Gramma Fathke's body was giving out on her; that she'd had a very long and a very good life and that now her body was just worn out. Willa wanted to know if she was going to die, and I said "She will, but I don't know when. Her body is really old and I don't think she'll live much longer." Willa wanted to know if she was a hundred (a big number she was familiar with), and I said "almost." I told Willa I'd be sad to have my gramma die, but that I was happy that she lived for so long and that I got to be with her for so long. I told her I was happy that she got know her great gramma, because not too many people do.

Steve and I took our kids to see her last April. It turned into a really nice visit, my cousin Brian and Uncle Don were driving through, and my other aunts, uncles and cousins all stopped by, too. Gramma was with it for most of the day, although I'm sure she didn't know who Willa, Jessen and Garrett were. I can't admit that she most likely couldn't place me, either. I'm glad we went, though.

I'm realistic enough to know that her mind and body are almost gone. It's painful to see her this way, especially because she had once been such a strong woman, both physically and mentally. My mom says she sleeps alot, and no longer even drinks coffee, so I know she's not there. Coffee was the sixth food group for her and my grampa as they worked their farm.

When she's gone it will just be my parents generation before me. I can't quite explain my feelings without sounding cold or irrational, but having Gramma Fathke around means there's one more generation before my parents. I don't have to face their aging because she's still here, and she's the focus. When she dies, it will make me think of my mom and my dad's mortality, and I am just not ready to be thinking those thoughts. So, for now, I'll think about these things:
*my parents are healthy and they're health-conscious: they go to the gym, they eat well;
*my gramma is still plugging away there - maybe not really there, but there. I'll celebrate her life and tell Willa & Cam stories about their strong, kind great-gramma. I'll tell them I hope I can be just like her - I never heard her say 'won't work' or 'can't' or 'don't try' - she just did it.

Home Improvements

After taking a break on the home improvement cycle last year, it seems we're back on task this year. I think inside work is about over (ripping out and replacing the kitchen floor, installing tile back splash, painting and painting Willa's new room might be enough for the year).

Yesterday a crew started ripping off the shingles on the house and they've already got new shingles on the back half. It's amazing how fast these things go with a crew of properly trained individuals with the right tools. We will be re-shingling the garage ourselves with the help of some friends.

The other projects are things we'll most likely take on ourselves and include new sidewalks and steps and fixing our chimney. It is, at the same time, both wonderful and horrible to have a partner that is skilled in home construction. Of course, it can't be debated that we've saved a lot of money doing much of our home re-construction ourselves. But often we do not have the tools and sometimes we do not have the skills to do everything required in a job. And always, we completely under estimate the number of trips we'll take to Menards even for the simplest project. See Willa's Tree House project and just count up the running total of Menard's trips.

It's fun to do some of these things ourselves, but this time I'm glad it's not me or Jamey up on that roof.

Heart Matters

Willa says what's on her mind.

I'm always amazed at how honestly Willa can describe her feelings. On Sunday night, after much time spent holding Cam, singing to Cam, making him smile, etc. she said "you know what Mommy? I think Cam just isn't all the way into my heart yet." Of course I asked what she meant by this, and she said "Well, I've been loving you and Daddy my whole life, so you're in the middle of my heart, but I've only been loving Cam for a little while, so he's not all the way in there, yet."

Of course! It's so simple and yet so complicated. Hopefully Cam wiggles his way into the middle soon.

The Second Time

One bit of wisdom that stuck with me from one of the numerous parenting books I read when pregnant with Willa went something like this: your new baby should join and/or fit into the life you already live, your life should not stop and revolve around your new baby. I think Jamey and I did a decent job of taking this to heart, but of course things change drastically when a new person enters your family. While I wouldn't say we redirected the sun to rise and set on the face of Willa, I would say she has become our true north.

There's nothing like a baby to shake things up. With #2, there seems to be very little choice but to fit him into the already established order of our universe. Teeth need to be brushed, bedtime stories read, lunches packed and stories created. Cam graciously fits into the spaces between.

I often wonder what he's missing. I remember the bedtime routine we had with Willa, even as a newborn. One of us would rock her with the last bottle, and the other would read long stories from a story book or Dr. Suess picture book. Does "second-hand" reading count when Cam sits in on Willa's bedtime chapter books?

There was so much thought and preparing for Willa's arrival. I read countless books on pregnancy, parenting, feeding and sleeping. I researched diapers and formula and car seats and strollers. We had seven different baby name books. I wrote an entire journal full of thoughts and letters to my unborn child. I made none of these preparations for Cam. It's like there was an open space in the puzzle and we didn't have to look twice to know he was the part that fit.

I took a picture of Willa in the same spot every day for the first 30 days of her life, just so I could see how much she changed and grew every day. I take pictures of Cam when Willa says "take a picture of me holding my brother like this."

Then I have to think about the yin to this yang. What has Cam gained by being second? First, he's gained a much calmer and more confident set of parents. We called our pediatrician, Dr. Judy, every day the first week we had Willa home. We brought the finger nail clippers to our two-week appointment with her because we were afraid to clip her nails. We've already trimmed Cam's nails several times. We know we can't "break" Cam or permanently wreck him if we let him cry a little. We know he's OK even if he spits up a little. We don't panic if he fails to poop every day.

Cam gets the benefit of Willa. He's so lucky to be the recipient of her special songs and stories and affections. She reads to him and it melts my heart. She makes plans for him and predicts their future and wishes it would be OK for her to marry him some day, but if they can't get married, at least they'll live together forever.

Cam gets our lessons learned from the first round - although I often wonder if we've learned anything that would make us change the way we do things. For now, I've decided not to worry about it.

Going Back

In one week I'll be going back to work at Coe and Cam will go to daycare. I'm ready. Not that I haven't enjoyed the time getting to know him and easing him into this world...I'm ready for a steady routine and a daily dose of adult interactions. I do not have the support structure necessary to keep going as a stay-at-home parent.

Aside from holding Cam, walking around with Cam, coaxing Cam to sleep, changing diapers, feeding, burping, washing bottles and clothes daily and basically just gazing with wonder at the new little person that is Cam, here is a list of other things I've accomplished in the last eight weeks.

1. I've watched every episode of "Arrested Development" on HULU. I started this in the first few weeks, and in my hormone-induced semi-depression, the narrator's voice became a dear comfort to me. I grew very fond of the Bluthe family, and when I finished watching the last episode of the three seasons, I was sad. The comic relief was most welcome in the midst of my uncontrollable episodes of tears.

2. Photo albums: I printed (through various online offers and Walgreens) over 400 photos taken in the past three years. I like photo albums. Willa and I like to take down an album and sit on the couch or share a chair and look at pictures and relive the moments. I haven't quite figured out how to translate that to the digital world. I hadn't put together a photo album since Willa was three, so I had close to three years worth of photos to print, organize and insert into albums. I ended up with four albums, plus one started for Cam's baby-hood. I'm caught up until about three weeks ago. There are always more!

3. Updated Facebook: I've had a Facebook account for a long time, mainly just so I could explain what it was to other people. in the past three months I've had 24 invitations from people I've known recently and as long ago as grade school, so it was time to get connected. I still have mixed feelings about it.

4. Read: I just finished "In The Name of Salome" by Julia Alverez. I've also read: "Operating Instructions" by Anne Lamott, "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell, and countless magazines and articles. I'm now reading "The Gutenberg Elegies" by Sven Birkert.

3 Weeks

Today Cam is three weeks old. Only three weeks, 21 days, and I can't imagine life without him. Already the complaints and pains of being pregnant are hazy and life with only one child is starting to fade.

I remember the first few weeks after bringing Willa into our life - I kept waiting for our life to get back to normal. It took a while before I realized there wasn't a 'getting back to' but only a 'new' normal. But now, it seems that Cam has completed something; that there was a 'normal' just waiting for him. I never realized how much our family was waiting for this son, this next child, until we got him home.

So far, so good. Cam seems to be a mild baby. Just in the past two days or so he's spent a few extra hours awake during the day. I've been enjoying his 'newbornness' so much more than I enjoyed Willa's. Maybe because I now know you can't really break or ruin this little creatures. Willa is proving to be a great big sister, despite her complaints that he's not growing fast enough for her (she really thought he'd be able to control his arms and hands by now). And of course, Jamey is the master diaper changer and super-daddy. Can't wait to see what happens next week!

What's in a Name?

While I don't think the whole concept of growing another person is easy by any means (or comfortable, for that matter), I do think what's far more difficult in this whole ordeal is coming up with a name!

Jamey and I had the same problem with Willa. It was two weeks before her scheduled birth and we did not have ONE NAME that the two of us agreed upon. We made a date, agreed to both show up with a list of names and agreed that we would not go home until we had a list we agreed upon. After dinner, we ended up at the Barnes and Noble cafe. We were there for five hours, but we did come up with a list.

This time was more difficult because we must have both boy and girl names. Jamey is convinced we are having another girl. He insists that with all of the pictures from our multiple ultrasounds we would have seen some dead give-away if this is a boy. This is not enough proof for me to ignore the boy names, although I admit, between the two of us, I like the girl names better than the boy names.

The good news is we only have two weeks left to meet our little something. The bad news is that the little something may not have a name for awhile!